My Positive Pocket

Childhood Physical Abuse: The Unhealed Pain

May 24, 2022 Safa Qureshi Season 1 Episode 7
My Positive Pocket
Childhood Physical Abuse: The Unhealed Pain
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Date: May 24, 2022
My Positive Pocket
Episode 7:
Childhood Physical Abuse: The Unhealed Pain

Recently I have been feeling a dull pain from an incident that happened over 10 years ago. Looks like my childhood trauma is coming back to remind me of the secret I’ve kept for all these years. Time to come clean and share the traumatic experience that left me with an unhealed area where I was kicked.

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  • -An update on my dental work!
  • - The attack.
  • - My fire PTSD.
  • - Secretly suffering.
  • -Lasting physical damage.
  • - Recognizing the beauty in hardship.
  • - The duality of life!
  • - Sadness is not a bad emotion!
  • - A pep talk for your life struggles!

Let's be friends!

Episode Trailer 00:00
The topic of this episode is a little bit dark, it's a little bit dark, it's a little bit deep, it's a little bit

scary, but we're gonna make it through it, and it's gonna be fine.


I'm just trying to share my story and give a better explanation as to what I'm going through now, and how I'm dealing with it and maybe sharing my story can kind of like help you navigate through whatever you're going through in your life. Or possibly just be an entertaining story about like a sad thing that happened to somebody else, whichever is the case is fine by me.


I being constantly reminded of something I've been trying to forget for 10 years. Like, constantly, like I constantly feel that, you know, pain in my chest, and I constantly flashback to that moment where I just barely, like, opened my eyes, squinted my eyes saw it coming and didn't do anything, because I thought he'd stop. But he didn't.


I let it happen. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. And yeah, I just wanted it. I just wanted to forget about it, and just kind of go on with my life. And like, let that be something that just ends there. But little did I know, there was some damage done.


It's been traumatic. It's been a lot. I have not thoroughly enjoyed it. But I have appreciated the experience of the trauma and stuff because one, it makes my life more entertaining and who I know that with like, every difficult experience that you go through life always has to even itself out.

Safa Qureshi 02:02

Hello, everybody, welcome back to Safa's podcast, my positive pocket I am back. Sorry for the delay. I have been busy. I don't know life has been kind of taking me away on its little, you know, fantastical journey of ups and downs and hardships and high points and low points and all the things but yeah, it's been pretty crazy lately, even by my standards, and I hope you can hear me correctly. Because my little mic had some technical difficulties. There was this like little clip that holds it on to my apron, but I lost the clip. So I just like knotted it on the strap. So hopefully that's okay, hopefully you can hear me. But here I am back. And the topic of this episode is basically going to be a little synopsis of what's been going on in my life lately. And yeah, it's been pretty wild, expecially. I don't know, I think my life is always kind of crazy. But lately especially it's been just all kinds of cinematic and epic and yeah it's been a very epic adventure but I'm going to spill the beans on what's been going on so yeah! Thanks for listening and let's spend some time together! 

Intro 03:09

Your life is your story. It's your opportunity to experience life for what it can really be. And it's not always going to be so happy and magical and easy. It's going to be hard. Sometimes there's going to be traumas and hardships and incredibly difficult things that you're going to have to experience emotionally and physically. And so appreciate it appreciate the duality of life, and the balance and how there's always good matched with every difficult and quote unquote bad experience in your life. And if you're going through something that's very difficult, just know that the bright sky is just around the corner and the clouds will clear. But in the meantime, you can find your own little rainbow in the midst of your heart, because you don't have to look for your external surroundings to find internal peace and integrity. So let's make a rainbow together. This is your positive pocket. It's my positive pocket. It's our positive pocket. I am here to share my life experience and how I've gotten through it and just sharing my sort of, you know, funky little personality of mine as I had ventured through a very difficult life experience with a smile and a skip. Let's experience life together and learn from each other on how we can just navigate through this silly crazy little life just a little bit more gracefully. And I'll see you on the other side!

Safa Qureshi 05:08

So the last episode I did was about the fire the PTSD and all the dental stuff that's going on. So a little update on that the dental things are going well. I'm almost done you know, it's I'm supposed to be done in June technically, but I have one more big kind of procedure thingythat is going to be on the 18th of May. And so that is supposed to be like the last big thing. And then they just have to do some adjustments. So altogether, I have no idea I've had like a ton of little dental surgery procedure things I lost count because I keep on breaking things. So basically what they do is that like, they have to put these they have to sort through my original teeth. And then like bond on these, like temporary teeth and then from there, they like finalize it and then they they bond on like the like permanent permanent teeth. So it's been quite a journey of like little procedures and yet yeah, the probably the worst part is then that I've been having this like really terrible like mouth rash kind of reaction to something that's been going on. I don't know a lot of a lot of things have been going on in the mouth recently. So it's kind of expected but yeah, so I have like this really bad like white weird rash thing that's going on in my mouth and it Loki looks like I have rabies. So yeah, I have to like inform everybody like I do not have rabies. It is just a allergic reaction. So yeah, just do not be alarmed. You are not in danger of rabies. I am just you know, I'm just kind of screwed at the moment. So, yeah, so that is kind of annoying. It's like stings. When I smile and talk and eat and do anything really, it kind of sucks. But hopefully that will be situated in all the time on now that you know the procedures are coming to an end. And so hopefully it has some time to heal. But yeah, so that's what's been going on in the teeth. It's been pretty gnarly, kind of the procedures are kind of nasty, just because they have to numb me and you have to be like, you know, awake for the whole procedure. And that can be kind of long, like I don't know. I think the longest one was like six hours or something. Seven hours? I don't know. But yeah, they're pretty long. And you just kind of have to lay there and cooperate and Yeah, feel your mouth explode. And yeah, some of them had pretty bad like headaches afterwards, because they kind of drill into your teeth. Which is just like not great for the brain. You know what I mean? Like jiggling around in your head? While they're like sawing into your teeth. It's just not. It's not that great. So, yeah, so that's been going it's been fine. It's been an adventure. I'm very happy that we're close to the end of it. And yeah, so that's what's going on with the teeth. And yeah, as for like, PTSD wise, I have been doing so well. I think I am fully recovered. PTSD wise, I have not had any issues.

Safa Qureshi 08:30

But then again, it's not fire season, like as time will, you know, tell how healed I am really, but I've been really like healing my body and recuperating from the whole mold poisoning situation. And yeah, I am in my top peak condition. I would say out of like my whole life. I think I'm doing pretty solid right now. So yeah. And yeah, so the topic of this episode is a little bit a little bit dark. It's a little bit dark. It's a little bit deep. It's a little bit scary, but we're gonna make it through it and it's gonna be fine. But yeah, unfortunately, recently in my life, I've been dealing with a lot of like, childhood trauma baggage that I did not realize I was carrying on to, you know, for all this time. And yeah, I guess I've been doing my little, you know, tiptoeing, dissociation as I do, and kind of ignoring what hurts and continuing and just focusing on what's beautiful in my life.

Safa Qureshi 09:45

And so we're going to get into some of that and yeah, oh, and just interesting. Fun fact, today. I think I broke toes. I think I broke toes. I was with my horse.And he stepped on my foot and it was very hurtful. I think I have it on video so I'll insert like a little like clip I broke toes and it sounded like this

Safa Qureshi 10:19

Yep, that's that's the actual footage. And then I actually also hit my head Kenai like hit his head hit my head on accident when I was getting up.I was getting up in my head hit his like, cheekbone thing and it sounded like this...

  Safa Qureshi 10:48

So yeah, as you can tell, my day has just been no sunshine, magical unicorns and rainbows. It is just it all comes with the package of having a horse you will get hurt and your feet will get crushed. And so now looks like I have two broken toes. I'm not happy in here before didn't want to come here again. But now here I am have like two broken toes and it's fine. It's gonna be fine. It's just kind of annoying because I like to walk and stuff. So I mean, it's still I'm gonna walk but it's gonna be a little bit you know, painful. So, whoop dee doo How fun. Let's talk about the, the, you know, topic today. It's about childhood trauma, and getting through it and a little bit about what happened to me. Something that I can share on my podcast. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things I would love to share on my podcast, but can't really just because it can expose like other people. And I don't want to, like ruin anyone's lives and I don't want you know, extended family and like, you know, just people who are who know everyone in the equation to like get, you know, mixed and bad kind of you know, perceptions of people. It's just Yeah, I guess I had to keep who? Sorry, they did. I guess I have to keep some of that private unfortunately, I just really wish I could blurt it out to the world. But in respect to other people, I cannot. So yeah, it's kind of suffocating. But there's that. But yeah, so today, the topic is going to be um, well, you know what happened to me? So here we are. So my life was going kind of crazy to begin with. And for some things I cannot really say on this podcast, unfortunately. But yeah, so I was I have been lately feeling this pain. That is kind of like in between my left boob and my armpit. And it's just like, this pain that's been persistent lately. And it's been bothering me more than usual. And I guess, you know, it has been bothering me. So now that I've been like, paying attention to it. Something that's been bothering me for like the last 10 years, it's been, you know, kind of off and on. But now just recently, it's been bothering me more so and yeah, it's not like a very, very painful kind of thing. It's more like, it feels like it hurts more when I'm moving. Or when I'm stretching especially because like, you know, I did ballet and contortion and all the crazy bendy things. And so basically feels like somebody is like pressing a fist into a really tender spot. Like, like, you know, right in between my boob and my armpit. And it's just like this weird kind of uncomfy kind of I don't know what to call that spot. But that spot right there on my chest really kind of has just not been happy lately. And yeah, I can feel it all the time. I can feel it even when I'm not tensing it or anything but it feels like especially I'm uncomfortable when I am like stretching or something. So yeah, and then recently I was... So set the scene a little bit. So this happened a few days ago. I was about to go that day. So that day I had to go to the dentist because I broke my temporary teeth as I do. So talented broke the teeth and so I had to go there to get it glued back on. And so yeah, so that's just a little background information. So that morning, I was like doing my stretches and stuff and it hurt as usual. And then I kind of like felt it a little bit like kind of dug my fingers in it and felt something weird. It felt like hmmm, feels I don't know, it just feels like this knotted up like tissue, it felt kind of like a knot or like, a little hard area. I don't know, it was pretty weird. And it freaked me out. I was like, oh, like, my immediate thought process was, oh, no, I have cancer because you know, you never want to feel something weird in your body and like, just like wonder what it is and like, why? But then I remembered I remembered why. And I remember when that started hurting.

Safa Qureshi 15:33

And it honestly has been for ever that I've thought about this, because I don't know, I feel like sometimes in the mind goes through really traumatic kind of experiences, one reaction for people to do is kind of selectively forget about things to protect yourself. So I think that's kind of what I've been doing for such a long time. And it's something that I haven't really thoughtabout, but it's something that was pretty traumatic, especially at the time.And it's been kind of, you know, having impacts on my future self, which is not so fun. But yeah, so basically, it goes back. And I'm going to be really vague with this because the purpose of this podcast episode is not to expose anybody. It's not for you know, people in my childhood to start like digging and trying to figure out who'd was because that's not really what this is about, I don't want this to be something that like, I don't know, it's just like ruin someone else's life. What happened to happened, and it's fine, and I have completely forgiven the person. And I don't have any, you know, ill feelings to him whatsoever. But this thing did happen. And I'm still dealing with it today. So I'm going to be extremely vague, just because I really don't want this to be about revenge, or trying to like expose someone or I don't know, just like, I'm not trying to dig around with the past, I'm just trying to share my story and give a better explanation as to what I'm going through now, and how I'm dealing with it and maybe sharing my story can kind of like help you navigate through whatever you're going through in your life. Or possibly just be an entertaining story about like a sad thing that happened to somebody else. Whichever is the case is fine by me. I have been given a very eventful, crazy life. So I think it would be such a shame to keep it all to myself. Because quite honestly, it's like, so worthy of being its own TV show. And I'm not just saying that it's pretty dramatic. But anyway, here we go. So I was either I'm not gonna say Ah, completely, because I know there are people who are probably listening to this that probably knew me at that time. So between fourth grade and high school, 10th grade, so somewhere so vague, somewhere in between fourth grade and high school. All right. So that's the scene. And so basically, it all started like it was the summer before, it was the summer before. And I'm going to be really careful to add details because I really don't want to expose anybody. But it was the summer before starting a new grade. And so that summer, we were all given a mentor that was supposed to kinda like, help us with the summer work and stuff. So like that mentor was in the grade above us. And so I got and I'm going to make up a name for him. I got Dylan, sorry, sorry, to all of you guys named Dylan. It's a fake name. So I'll let me get some water. Don't mind me.

Safa Qureshi 19:15

Water executed. Okay, so, Dylan, I got Dylan as my mentor. And he was utterly unhelpful, um, to be honest, and for the homework, at least, he simply was not that capable of helping somebody. I'm gonna try and put this as nicely as possible. He was not much help. So I ended up getting a tutor, which is fine. But anyway, so that's how I got to know Dylan. And so we had exchanged phone numbers, and we're just like, oh, sorry, I'm painting and I like almost made a massive mistake, but then I saved it guys. I'm painting giraffes right now. But anyways, so I got Dylan and Though we had just like some light conversation over the summer through text messages, and ya that was that, and then school started again. And so I started that grade that I am not going to specify, that grade. So I started that grade and it was just kind of weird in between us. I don't know, I just don't know why it was just weird in between us for whatever reason. And so yeah, and he I think he wanted to be like, closer friends, but I just kind of pulled away because, you know, I just did not feel comfortable. And also, I didn't really, like necessarily like him that much. And yeah, so I didn't really want to be his friend. I, suck. So anyway, so I guess he had some sort of grudge against me. And, yeah, I guess he was pretty frustrated and angry and upset. And so then, um, so now I have just set up the scene again. So we we were doing projects, group projects in school, and one group, like, we were all kind of broken up into the different groups, and then like, each group would present whatever the project so there was this one group, I was not in the group. But this one group was presenting on the Holocaust. And I, I mean, like, looking back at this, like, I am, like, questioning the morality of the teachers, like, how did they allow this to happen? Like, how did this literally happen? It is so inappropriate. I literally can't believe we did this, but we did. And we just kind of like, I don't know, the whole situation itself was really bizarre. Like, I kind of felt like that. It was not the purpose of the you know, thing to begin with, but I kind of felt like it kinda like, was exemplar. I don't know, it kind of like explained how the Holocaust even happened. Like how people could like, do kind of terrible things without realizing it. I don't know. It was bizarre. Maybe I was just overanalyzing it. But yeah, so the group decided, so a little another little snippet. Our school was very supportive of like, creative ways of like presenting things. I went to a Montessori school. So they really prized creativity. So any like creativity, when it came to presenting and presentations was like, key to getting good grades. So there's that. So that's why this group was so creative on how to, you know,

Safa Qureshi 22:41

present their projects. So they decided that we're going to do a reenactment of a scene in which they were going to be Holocaust victims, Jews, and they were going to be Nazis, and they were going to gas the Jews, and then throw the dead bodies into a pile and then like, call it a day. And that was the scene. We were supposed to reenact that. And so the group and I still don't understand how the teachers did not stop this. I mean, come on, you can't do that. Like that's so disrespectful and kindness. So we did that. So we, they, the group itself, I think was also part of it, but they basically broke up the audience. Not all of the audience, some people got to just watch but other people were kind of recruited for this impromptu Prompto kind of, kind of play reenactment thingy that was going to be going on. And so I of course, with my dumb luck, was selected to be a Jew, and along with other people, I was going to be a holocaust victim that was going to be gassed and thrown into a pile of dead bodies. Because that's humane. So anyways, I was selected. And so Dylan, I think Dylan was actually in the group. Dylan was the group that was presenting. So you know, there's that piece of information. So Dylan was a Nazi. And I was a Jew, along with other people that were, you know, Holocaust victims about to be gassed. And so we were kind of given the rundown. They're just like, Alright, so we're just gonna gas you guys you guys are gonna pretend to die and suffocate. And then we're just gonna, you know, like, throw your dead bodies into a pile and then that'll be that and we're just like, oh okay, is this necessary? Like really? But yeah, we just kind of it was like a three to one go! And we all just kind of were like, paralyzed I guess by like our raid like, oh, well, like we have to do well, you know, creativity. I don't know. Like, I don't know. Like everyone was kinda like going with the flow. Oh, and just kinda like, Okay, looks like this is the agenda like, here we go. And so it started and so they gassed us. And so we pretended to die. I pretended to die along with the other Holocaust victims, and then somebody I don't really know exactly because I was pretending to be dead. I had my eyes closed, I was kind of squinting. But it was like too much, there was too much commotion going on in the room to really understand what was going on. Exactly, I just had my eyes like kind of closed. And so somebody grabbed my wrists, and somebody grabbed my ankles. And they started swinging me back and forth, like a limb hamick. And we're about to throw me into the pile of dead bodies, like actual people, like pretending to be dead, which is horrible, but that's what was about to be happening. And I was just kind of like, okay, let's get this over with. And then in the corner of my eye, I saw Dylan and Dylan, like, looked at me dead in the eye and started running to me. Like he was pretty close. So it's not like he was like dead running, you know, like a sprint. It was like, he was literally just a few steps away, but he started coming towards me, and I thought he was going to pretend you know, because it was a play, like it was a skit to like, you're not supposed to actually do things. But he did not stop, he just went straight and kicked me so hard. And that guy was pretty big. Like he was a pretty big kid, very tall, very kind of large, human in general, I am not that large. Just a little visual, he was pretty massive. And you were like those giants

like sneakers, I don't even know what you call them, maybe their basketball shoes, I don't know, they were big, very heavy duty, capable of a lot of damage sneakers. And so his shoe just, you know, his foot kind of jabbed into that sensitive area where my, you know, in between my armpit and my boob, and struck me there. And he actually he hit me so hard, he fell, and so he fell on me actually kind of fell over me, like his legs, like his knee, like landed right on me. And he kind of like fell over me very ungracefully. And I'm still supposed to be dead. And so I'm just kind of like, and then like, if the other two people who were, you know, supposed to, like be carrying me or throwing me into the dead body pile. They're just kind of like, I don't know, it's just like a spur of the moment, they picked me back up, and they swung me. And then they threw me into the, you know, like pile of dead bodies. And that was that. And then we were kind of like, shoved into a closet. And then that was supposed to be it that was like our burial or whatever. And so that happened. I was kind of pretending to be dead, which was kind of easy, because I felt pretty dead. But yeah, then we were just like, put there. And then like, we didn't really have to move after that, because we were dead. And so I was just pretending to be dead. And I just kind of like, kept quiet, you know, I just kind of wrote it out. And then by the time like the little skit was over, I just kind of crawled back to my place where I was sitting, watching the presentations, and that was that, like, nobody said anything. Nobody saw anything. It just happened. And I was so like, insecure and like I had no self confidence at the time. And I didn't bring it up like I did not, I did rode speak up. I let it happen. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. And yeah, I just wanted it. I just wanted to forget about it, and just kind of go on with my life and like let that be something that just ends there. But little did I know, there was some damage done and I actually felt it pretty significantly for a year or two afterwards. Just like this little pain in my chest. Not very severe, but just adult pain that never really went away. And yeah, I just never told anybody about it. And yeah, that happened. And so then eventually the pain kind of went away. But now that I think about it, it's always been kind of there especially like when I exert myself like I run or something. I used to do a lot of running. I would feel it like the pain there and I would just kind of have to like rake my fingers through it and just kind of like I don't know on unpainted, fie it if you know what I mean? But yeah, it's definitely been something that's been there for a while. And recently and then I forgot about it for few years, I guess because I've been in pain and so many other ways, bro Camino my ribs, I broke my arm broke, punctured my liver and like all kinds of, you know, incidents I've been in. And so I've kind of forgotten about pain in my chest because I've been preoccupied with other pains that I've been more prevalent and more, whatever have kind of masked the underlying chest pain and sorry about that noise. I'm grabbing a paintbrush that is right next to the phone. Don't mind me grabbing paint brushes. There, sorry. Sorry, guys. But anyway, yeah, the pain has been there. And then recently, it started again. And yeah, it's been uncomfortable. And I, I am not glad, but I'm glad that like, you know, there was that trauma injury, otherwise, it would be much more horrifying to feel something there because it just like automatic thought is like cancer, I'm dying. But I really don't think it's cancer, because that happened. You know, it's kind of coincidental, and you can't really get cancer from like, an impact that there's no, there is no correlation there. So that's a good thing.

Safa Qureshi 31:19

It's not cancer, guys. I don't think it's cancer. So yeah, it's just some internal damage. Honestly, I think it's just damaged tissue that never healed correctly. And it's just going to be this like, unfortunate area in my chest that just like hurts, unfortunately. That's my thoughts. However, I so now we're going back to the scene. So all of this, all of this literally all of this ran through my head that morning, as I was stretching, like literally this whole like podcast that just happened in my head again, for the first time in years, when I was stretching, and I had an appointment, you know, later that day. And so of course, right after I was doing that, had that whole like, you know, cinematic montage of my whole traumatic, you know, little situation, I kind of had a massive, not massive, but like, pretty massive anxiety attack and just like freaked out, because all of a sudden, my life became even more complicated. And I was like, oh, no, like, not again, like my life was already going a little crazy. Not again, and my childhood traumas are coming back to haunt me again. No. So yeah, so I kind of freaked out and I started calling. Because I figured out I'm going to need a mammogram. So I called the like, cancer like place or whatever. And so they were just like, Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, like, we can't really just like do a mammogram, you're going to have to get a provider, get your primary care, whatever person to send us an order and it goes like that. But I'm like a doctor because I don't have a doctor here in Oregon. And she's just like, oh, well, you just need to find a primary care person. There's many options out there and have like, a good to die before I even like get an appointment. And she's just like, Honey, are you okay? I'm just like, no. Oh, man. So yeah, she had a difficult I put her in a difficult place. And so then she was like, alright, well, here is this like place you can call them and try to schedule an appointment and then you can like you know, get the thing and it'll be fine. So it's called like, La Clinica. The clinic in Spanish like La Clinica, the Women's Center thingy, so I called them scheduled an appointment.

Safa Qureshi 33:47

I had my appointment a few days ago. And it's pretty terrifying for me, because I'm morbidly afraid of like doctor's offices and all the things just because I've been, like, so many times on so many unfortunate occasions, like ers and all kinds of things. I'm getting a lot of injuries, guys. So yeah, just not a fun place to be. And so I was kind of freaking out the whole time. But the doctor ended up being pretty much an angel. So I felt really at ease the instant she walked into the room, and I was like, oh, okay, I can trust her. And so yeah, so she did like an exam. And she's like, yep, yep, there's definitely something there. Like, we need to check that out. Like, that's not okay. We're going to get, you know, scans done and whatever. So now I'm in limbo where I am waiting for the radiology lab to contact me so I can schedule an appointment and I have to get that checked. And then I'm also going to get another scan to check if I have a uterus because I don't have a period. So that's the fun fact we can we could talk more about that some other day. Bye. Uh, yeah. So I'm going to have a scan for my uterus. And then yeah, and then I'm going to ask them if they could just like scan my foot while we're at it because I think I broke it. Keynai, I think you broke to my toes. I just would like to verify, you know, like, while I'm there getting scanned, might as well maybe, who knows? Let's see if they let me. But yeah, guys, so that's what's been going on. So I had that whole freakout episode. And then, um, I was calling La Clinica. And they're like, well, we got to set up a new like, patient, you know, like thing and my barber. And I'm like, but I have a dentist appointment three minutes ago, and she's just like, Oh, do you want to call back honey? I'm like, no. What if all the appointments get booked up? She's like, Honey, maybe you should just call back if your appointment was three minutes ago. I was like, yeah, maybe I should and and so I then I drove to the dentist and like, was looked like crap and just like walked in. And it was just like, you know, I'm sorry. I'm late. Like, sorry, guys. Yeah, I was a trooper. So then I got my tooth thingy fix.

Safa Qureshi 34:51

And then I called La Clinica, set up an appointment. And then you know, the rest is history. So that's what's been going on. I've been dealing with that. It's been traumatic, it's been a lot, I have not thoroughly enjoyed it. But I have appreciated the experience of the trauma and stuff because one, it makes my life more entertaining. And who I know that with, like, every difficult experience that you go through, life always has to even itself out. And so when you go through these big dips in life, things have to kind of like, look up and like, you're going to have a high point for every low point in your life. The more difficult low points are, the more beautiful and amazing and joyful, the high points are. It's just how the way the world works. Like, I've decided that that's my reality. That's what I choose. It's true for me, it can be true for you, just you, you get to decide what you believe in. And that's what I believe in. And so yeah, I'm just waiting for that high point, but it's gonna be good guys. Just you wait. But yeah, in the meantime, just try not to lose my head, waiting for the radiology lab. And yeah, just enjoying life. Life's been pretty great. Lately, my foot is broken. Other than that, it's been great. You know, it's just been like, a little bit painful. Not just like, in the chest. That's, that's one thing. There's physical pain. But it's been more emotional, painful, emotionally painful, because I being constantly reminded of something I've been trying to forget for 10 years. Like, constantly, like I constantly feel that, you know, pain in my chest, and I constantly flashback to that moment, or I just barely, like, opened my eyes, squinted my eyes saw it coming and didn't do anything, because I thought he'd stop. But he didn't. You know, it's not a lot of regret. Like, I know, there really wasn't that much I could do if I had like, screamed, and like wiggled out, I would have made a fool of myself, and it would have been equally as traumatic. Probably. I, it happened, yeah. And there wasn't much I can do. I don't blame myself for being quiet. I just didn't want to blow it up and make it even more emotionally kind of, like traumatic for myself, I just wanted to close the chapter. Keep calm carry on, and just kind of wiggle my way through it. And so I did. And now here I am. Still wiggling. Looks like I'm not quite out yet. And looks like I have some more permanent damage that I didn't really recognize as a child. So here we are dealing with that little package of PTSD and its own little issues. But you know, life has been pretty fabulous lately.

Safa Qureshi 39:00

It's just been nice. You know, I really feel like even though that sounds like a whole bunch of crap. I've been really at a high point in my life lately. Like, yeah, there's always going to be things that are difficult to play really, like truly, I'm not just saying this. I really, really do appreciate hardship. I really do appreciate being sad. I really, really do appreciate these moving like moments in the story of your life that make it seem more like epic drama on Netflix. You know what I mean? It's just like cinematic music. going through your head as you look off into the distance and like your whole life flashes in between your very eyes. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. It's what makes life really epic. And I'm not here to live an easy life. I'm here to live an epic life. So yeah, I'm doing just wine. I am succeeding at the epic part. My life has been very epic. I wish I could share everything with you guys. Maybe you're canceling David today I can't sorry. Politics in my life just can't share everything unfortunately. Did you hear that? That was a paintbrush, go get it retrieved. But yeah, guys, that's what's been going on Yeah, I have another episode recorded that I haven't posted yet it's about my my spine surgery not surgery why? What am I saying my spine injury, I had this massive injury where I compressed six of my vertebra and were told that I was going to be disabled for the rest of my life. And then I proved them wrong and stuff. Awesome. And so yeah, I recently these days have been getting back to my handstands, which has been really epic. And it's like, I found a part of myself that I thought I lost so long ago. But yeah, so that's been going on. So that's an episode that's coming up guys get excited. We're gonna talk about broken bones and compressed spine, compressed vertebra, and all of the glorious things, but it gives us all I have to say for you guys just, there's my story. That is what happened to me. That's what's going on

if you like see my whatever, Instagram stories and stuff, and you're just like, well, what does she even got talking about? Now you know what I'm going through. So yay, guys, we're all on the same page, at least part of what I'm going through anyways.

Safa Qureshi 39:04

But that's what's up. That's what's up. That is what has been on the agenda of my life. And, yeah, it's gonna be fine. It's a little heavy, but I am more than capable of gracefully carrying my trauma and dealing with it and healing from it. And really enjoying this the experience, you know, like healing from trauma, going through trauma, it's a very beautiful thing. You know, being sad doesn't have to be such a bad thing. It can really be a beautiful experience. And you don't have to be completely sad when you're sad. Sometimes I'm happy when I'm sad, believe it or not, like I'm happy, like I'm fully present in the moment experiencing the emotions. And it's a beautiful experience. It's not like, like, yes, it is painful, like yes, it is. I know that we all know that. But it is not to be depressing. It's never depressing to me to feel sad. It's almost like I don't know, it's not depressing, it's not compressing, it's kind of like, I don't know, it's just something about it, you know, it doesn't have to be so overwhelming, it can be just very, very emotional kind of, I don't know little journey that you take on your own within yourself into a place that you wouldn't be able to venture through if you were just happy all the time. I really appreciate the duality of life. Life is not just you know, sunshine, magical unicorns and rainbows, the whole like way through, there would be no contrast there would be no interest, it would be really dull and bizarre, quite honestly. So I really appreciate you know, these moments of really finding ourselves because I think hardship teaches us more about ourselves than anything else really can. And it really develops us too. So I'm really excited to see where it all of this is going to take me. And yeah, that is that is this little fun uncomfy comfy journey that I have been, you know, skipping along lately.

Safa Qureshi 43:46

And so yeah, guys, let's let's go down. And yeah, and if you are a local human, I have aI have an exhibition going on at Pangea. It's a little like vegan friendly, vegetarian friendly. Sandwich Shop in Ashland, Oregon. If you live near Ashland, Oregon, go into Pangea. You will see otter and so yeah, that's that guys. And then also on the art page, I've been painting giraffes lately. So that's what I'm painting. That's what I'm painting right now. And I recently finished a commission of a Koala bear which is absolutely adorable. I will put the link in the show description notes and if it's ready by then, and yeah, go look about koala is the cutest? It is literally the cutest thing I've ever painted. So if you ever think have ever thought that any of my paintings are cute, like, click that link you will be like floored it is so cute. And I am so confident in that statement. Like, prove me wrong. It's so adorable. But anyway, so that's I hope you enjoyed this little awkward little episode in and I hope you're having a magical night, morning, evening or afternoon.

Safa Qureshi 45:05

And yeah, I just wanted to let you know, like, whatever you're going through, even if you're going through something that feels just so unbearably uncomfortable. And if you're kind of living through life with that flip flop feeling in your chest, where you just feel like Oh Ha, don't know where this is going, just know it's going somewhere great. And you're going through everything you're going through, for a reason. And it is a good reason, it can be a good reason, if you just allow it to be. And just trust and, you know, be ready for when things are gonna start to turn up. And you don't have to wait, you know, feeling like you're just waiting for your life to begin. Because the difficult parts are when you're actually maybe even the most alive. And really experiencing like, the extend of the human like emotional strength, like we can go through quite a lot and make it through even brighter and like stronger than before. And so, yeah, just honestly, know that you're never really given anything in life that you can't handle, you're never going to be set up to fail, you're set up to succeed. And so just know that it's almost like an honor to like receive like these really difficult experiences, because it means that you are more than capable of handling it. And on the other side of that you're going to get something chest as wonderful. Like the extremity of like the whole experience is going to be evened out, you know the pendulum has to swing back around, the rainbow always comes back down. Everything in life has balanced, you know, seesaws go up and then the other side goes down and then the other side goes up. It's going to be alright guys, you're doing just fine. So yeah, there's a little two cents from my tired brain today as I stand in the studio and have a broken foot. broken foot, but a happy heart. So it's all good. But anyway, have a magical night. It's night for me. So I'm gonna say night. Come on, guys. We're all on the same page, or it's all night time for everybody. But now I'm just rambling as I do. And yeah. And go check out the art exhibition if you're in local. And yeah, guys, that is all that is all I have to say right now. And yeah, sending you guys love and tootles for now.

Outro 47:42

I have an Instagram and a Facebook and silver key creations, that silver key creations. And you can see all of my work on silver key And you could see all the beautiful art that I do. And it takes me a lot of work to make this podcast like hours, hours of editing, hours of recording, and uploading and getting it all situated for you guys. And so if you'd like to help me out and support me, because again, I am doing this for free. If you did like this episode, I would so appreciate it if you left a comment, a little review on Apple podcasts or whatever podcast platform you're on. And I have a Patreon on Patreon. You can help support me through my mission and what I am doing with my creative little life and receive little bonus things like painting behind the scene images and also very mail that can come straight to your doorstep every month

Outro 48:47

from me to you. It's just a very personal way to be a part of my life and help support my mission. But if you're interested in taking a look at my Patreon, it's going to be all in the show description notes and Yeah, but that is all for now. Have a beautiful day and thank you so much for listening to my positive pocket.

Episode Trailer
Emotional pain
Welcome back!
Dental updates!
Broken toes?
The Pain
Revelations of the past
The story
The kick
Internal damage
The appointment
Hardship is beautiful
The duality of life
local exhibition
You are going to be ok!